It's been a long time. I need to start this back up. Maybe for my own sanity as life has been crazy over the last 2 years. From the loss of my mom to our newest member of the family, Baby A. This post I will be talking about Mom. More about Baby A another time. Just to warn you that this is going to be a very raw post. I will be crying as I write this and I will not be stressing my grammar and I'm mainly writing this for me. I haven't said a lot of this out loud and I think I need to.

Last year on November 23rd, I lost my mother to breast cancer. She was in remission for a couple of years and then it came back and it came back aggressive and not willing to back down. She was diagnosed October 15th, 2015 with doctors saying they hoped she would have 6 months. She was with us for 7 more weeks. She was in so much pain and it's a blessing that she didn't have to live with the pain longer than she did, but I still feel jipped on time. I didn't have enough time with her. I didn't get to ask her everything. My youngest daughter didn't get to meet her. I didn't get to see her grow old and hold her great grandbabies. She was taken from us way too soon and I will never understand why.

I always hear people say that everything happens for a reason. I call bullshit on that. Sorry for the language but come on. Can you really tell me that this so-called God allowed my mom to get cancer and die because there was a purpose for it? Did her death help someone else's life? No. It ruined more lives than just hers. It crushed my heart and even a year later, I am having a hard time keeping myself composed at times. I miss her terribly and I am still trying to figure out how to live without her and how to pick up all of the pieces that shattered when she left me.

I will forever remember the day she passed. I had an overwhelming urge that morning to go see her. We were getting ready to distribute the Holiday Angels thanksgiving food baskets that evening, but before I did that I needed to see her. So we went over and spent about an hour with her while my dad ran a couple errands. I painted her nails and I chatted with her. She was unresponsive at that point except for some moans every now and then. I then just sat there and cried. I knew how much pain she was in but I wanted so badly for her to say something back to me. I just wanted her to hug me back instead if me kissing her cheek and her wincing in pain. After I left, I went home and felt defeated but glad that I went. 3 hours later, I got the text from dad saying she was gone. My heart broke in so many peace and I just fell to the ground. I drove to their house, bawling the entire way and wishing I would wake up from this horrible nightmare. It wasn't a dream.  It was unfortunately very real. I helped dad and the hospice nurse get her ready to go. I picked out her shirt that we changed her into and I brushed her hair. I kissed her cheek and forehead and held her hand. She was so beautiful and looked like she was finally at peace. She no longer was in pain.

So many emotions ran through my head at that point. I mainly sad and angry. I was angry at cancer, I was angry at everyone else's 'God'. I believed in Him or the thought of Him, until that day. I kept hoping He would answer my prayers and heal her and keep her with me. I wasn't ready to lose my mom. She was too young to die and she hadn't fulfilled her life. She hadn't met all of her grandchildren.

The pain from losing her was more painful than anything I've ever experienced. It is not just emotional heartache.  My heart physically hurts. I ache, hoping to hear her voice again or hug her one more time.

I would love to believe we will see each other again one day. If that happens, I'm running into her arms and never letting go! Love you Momma. Sleep well!