Day 1 2018

My resolutions this year will be the toughest ones I've ever done. Well at least 2 of them. I've never stuck to resolutions. I'm like the rest of the majority of people who make resolutions and never stick to them. That's me. Never sticking to them longer than  a week, maybe month at best. But my resolutions for this year need to be kept. In order for my sanity, my relationship with my child, and my overall mental health, I need to keep them.

The first of 3. The least important of the 3, but one I want to keep. This one is for my physical health.

1. Be more active. Go to jazzercise 3 times a week while we have the 2 months free. After that, go for a walk/jog 3 times a week and  do other more active things. Be a healthy example for my kids.

The second if 3. This one ties into the next one and is almost tied for the most important of the 3, but is just shy of being #1 important.

2. Don't react negatively. Breathe. No one can make me feel upset about something. I'm the one who is responsible for letting it bother me. If I get pissed and react, it's because I allow that to happen. Breathe.  Count to 10, maybe 20......30? However long it takes to calm down and not react.

The last of the 3 and the most important for the year.

3. Be a better mom and like my daughter again. I have let my teenagers attitude and behavior affect me more than I should. I have not been a good mom to her. In fact, I have been horrible and have failed this last year in being her mom. I have reacted and I'm ashamed of how I've treated her at times. Even when she misbehave or disrespects, it's my choice in how I react. I need to be a better example of how to act and treat people. Our relationship is failing and it's almost to a point where it can't be fixed. I'm hoping we haven't already gotten to that point. I'm hopeful......

Day 1. I haven't yelled. In fact, I have done the complete opposite. Several times I was upset with something and I didn't get snotty or yell. I just shut down. Probably not the best reaction either, but for me today, it was better than reacting in an argument or with loudness. DH dismissed my conversation several times today. Spoke over me as if what I was saying wasn't important enough to allow me to finish. It hurt. It always hurts and it happens often. I don't feel like my thoughts or contributions to conversations are as important as his so when he jumps in and talks over me, I just shut down and let him finish. If I bring it up to him, he turns it around on me and says I do it too. I hate that. If I'm telling you that something is bothering me, listen . Don't get defensive and turn it back on me. I'm important too but most of the time feel the opposite. The teen was pretty good most of the day. She played with her brother and sisters pretty well all day. When we were driving back home to KS from NE, she got in trouble for doing something she wasn't suppose to be doing so the attitude came out. I didn't tell. Actually I was very please with myself. I just repeated my request over and over in the same tone until she did it. I didn't say anything more. I'm tired of asking the stupid question of "why are you acting this way or doing that" and have her response be because I want to. So I'm not asking it anymore. I'm keeping everything simple requests when she acts like that. I won't allow her to get the satisfaction of my negative reaction.  That's what she wants but she won't get it..I'll breathe and count and be calm. I did it today. I succeeded in that.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

It's been a long time. I need to start this back up. Maybe for my own sanity as life has been crazy over the last 2 years. From the loss of my mom to our newest member of the family, Baby A. This post I will be talking about Mom. More about Baby A another time. Just to warn you that this is going to be a very raw post. I will be crying as I write this and I will not be stressing my grammar and I'm mainly writing this for me. I haven't said a lot of this out loud and I think I need to.

Last year on November 23rd, I lost my mother to breast cancer. She was in remission for a couple of years and then it came back and it came back aggressive and not willing to back down. She was diagnosed October 15th, 2015 with doctors saying they hoped she would have 6 months. She was with us for 7 more weeks. She was in so much pain and it's a blessing that she didn't have to live with the pain longer than she did, but I still feel jipped on time. I didn't have enough time with her. I didn't get to ask her everything. My youngest daughter didn't get to meet her. I didn't get to see her grow old and hold her great grandbabies. She was taken from us way too soon and I will never understand why.

I always hear people say that everything happens for a reason. I call bullshit on that. Sorry for the language but come on. Can you really tell me that this so-called God allowed my mom to get cancer and die because there was a purpose for it? Did her death help someone else's life? No. It ruined more lives than just hers. It crushed my heart and even a year later, I am having a hard time keeping myself composed at times. I miss her terribly and I am still trying to figure out how to live without her and how to pick up all of the pieces that shattered when she left me.

I will forever remember the day she passed. I had an overwhelming urge that morning to go see her. We were getting ready to distribute the Holiday Angels thanksgiving food baskets that evening, but before I did that I needed to see her. So we went over and spent about an hour with her while my dad ran a couple errands. I painted her nails and I chatted with her. She was unresponsive at that point except for some moans every now and then. I then just sat there and cried. I knew how much pain she was in but I wanted so badly for her to say something back to me. I just wanted her to hug me back instead if me kissing her cheek and her wincing in pain. After I left, I went home and felt defeated but glad that I went. 3 hours later, I got the text from dad saying she was gone. My heart broke in so many peace and I just fell to the ground. I drove to their house, bawling the entire way and wishing I would wake up from this horrible nightmare. It wasn't a dream.  It was unfortunately very real. I helped dad and the hospice nurse get her ready to go. I picked out her shirt that we changed her into and I brushed her hair. I kissed her cheek and forehead and held her hand. She was so beautiful and looked like she was finally at peace. She no longer was in pain.

So many emotions ran through my head at that point. I mainly sad and angry. I was angry at cancer, I was angry at everyone else's 'God'. I believed in Him or the thought of Him, until that day. I kept hoping He would answer my prayers and heal her and keep her with me. I wasn't ready to lose my mom. She was too young to die and she hadn't fulfilled her life. She hadn't met all of her grandchildren.

The pain from losing her was more painful than anything I've ever experienced. It is not just emotional heartache.  My heart physically hurts. I ache, hoping to hear her voice again or hug her one more time.

I would love to believe we will see each other again one day. If that happens, I'm running into her arms and never letting go! Love you Momma. Sleep well!

Strawberry Pie Sour Cream Crumb Bars

 Strawberry Pie Sour Cream Crumb Bars

 I have been scouring Pinterest and the world wide web for some oh so yummy dessert bars. I have found a couple that were good, but just not unbelievable delicious like I was looking for......until today. I found such a yummy, creamy and crumbly dessert that I hope everyone makes for themselves, because they are DELICIOUS. They are Strawberry Pie Sour Cream Crumb Bars. I found the recipe on The Recipe Critic 's blog. I have also included it down below. Enjoy, because I know I am as I am eating one as we speak. Yum Yum!!!

 

Strawberry Pie Sour Cream Crumb Bars

Step 1: Mix together the brown sugar, flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Add in butter until incorporated. (I forgot to take a picture before I put most of it in the pan, so there should be about 3 times as much as this)

 

Step 2: Press all but about a cup of the crust onto the bottom of a greased and floured 8x8 pan. (I also forgot to take a picture of just the crust pressed in by itself)

Step3: Mix together the sour cream, sugar, flour, egg and vanilla. Spread evenly over crust.

Step 4: Spoon the strawberry pie filling over the sour cream filling and gently swirl. 

Step 5: Sprinkle remaining crust over the strawberry swirl. Bake at 375 degrees for 25-28 minutes or until golden brown. Cool completely and cut into squares.

Strawberry Pie Sour Cream Crumb Bars

Crust:

• 1/2 c butter, melted and cooled to room temperature
• 1/2 c light brown sugar
• 1 1/2 cup all purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp salt

Filling:

• 1 c strawberry pie filling (or any kind you would like)
• 1/2 c sour cream
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 Tbsp all purpose flour
• 1 egg
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1.  Preheat oven to 375 and prepare an 8x8 square pan by lining with parchment paper and spraying with cooking spray.

2.  Make the crust by whisking together in a medium bowl the flour, brown sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt.  Add the melted butter.  The dough will be crumbly but make sure all of the butter is incorporated.

3.  Reserve 3/4 cup of the crust and press the remaining into the bottom of your 8x8 prepared baking pan.

4.  For the sour cream filling, mix together in a large bowl the sour cream, sugar, 1 Tbsp flour, egg, and vanilla.  Pour over the crust in your 8x8 pan.

5.  Spoon your pie filling over the sour cream and gently swirl with the sour cream filling with a spoon.

6.  Sprinkle your reserved 3/4 cup crust over the top and bake for 25-28 minutes or until golden brown.  Cool completely and serve into squares.  Store in the refrigerator up to 3 days. :)

Original recipe from The Recipe Critic

By gosh, I think I have finally figured it out

A few months ago, I decided that I wanted to grow a homemade sourdough starter. I started it with just pineapple juice, flour and water. 

After the first 6 days, I was starting to get discouraged because NOTHING was happening. And if any of you have ever made a sourdough starter, you know how much work and babying it is to get one going. Well, I was about to throw P.J (that's it's name :)  ) down the drain, but I decided to stick it out another day so I could say I gave it a full week.

Well on the morning of the 7th day, P.J, finally started growing. From there, it was even more hard work keeping PJ fed and happy until he was finally ready to be either baked with, or put in the fridge so he can go dormant until I was ready to bake with him.

I tried several recipes for bread and none of them were right. They never rose like they were supposed to and they turned out gray on the top instead of crispy golden brown. When they baked, they spread out instead of up. When we ate them, they weren't your normal bread texture. It was way more dense since there wasn't enough rise in it.

So I gave up on bread for a while.....until yesterday. I was ambicious and tried 2 different recipes. They called for longer rise times and I was very impressed with the result.

Look at these beauties. Just look at their golden crisp crust. Yum Yum.


The loaf on the right probably was the winner in taste and texture of the bread. It had more holes in the bread, which is what I think of when I think of sourdough bread. It was bit tangier in flavor than the other and it didnt have any commercial yeast in it at all. The one on the left called for just 1/8 of a tsp just to give it a little more oomph, but I don't think it needed that push. PJ seemed to pull through on his own just fine.

I got the original recipe from Simply So Good Blog. It is super simple. But since I am using my sourdough starter, I made a couple changes.

3 cups all purpose flour (original recipe called for unbleached, but all I had was bleached all-purpose flour so that's what I used)

1 3/4 teaspoons salt

1 cup starter (my starter is a bit thicker than I would have liked so I added a touch more water)

1 1/2 cups water

In a large mixing bowl, whisk together flour, salt and starter.  Add water and mix until a shaggy mixture forms.  Cover bowl with plastic wrap and set aside for 12 - 18 hours.  Overnight works great.  Heat oven to 450 degrees.  When the oven has reached 450 degrees place a cast iron pot with a lid in the oven and heat the pot for 30 minutes.  Meanwhile, pour dough onto a heavily floured surface and shape into a ball.  Cover with plastic wrap and let set while the pot is heating.  Remove hot pot from the oven and drop in the dough.  Cover and return to oven for 30 minutes.  After 30 minutes remove the lid and bake an additional 15 minutes.  Remove bread from oven and place on a cooling rack to cool.  

 

In her recipe, she mentions using a cast iron pot with lid like a Le Creuset, but I don't have one of those so I decided to try it in my Rachel Ray covered casserole dishes. 

 

The loaves turned out beautiful so I believe as long as you have a dish that can withstand 450 degrees and has a lid to create the steam effect, you should be good.  Happy Baking!!

New Year....new goals....let's hope, anyways

Wow, so I thought that starting this blog would get me to actually write in it. Apparently it didn't. BUT....I'm going to do something about that this year. One of my goals this year is to keep up with the blog. At least a few times a week.

I also have a couple other goals this year that I plan to stick with.

Goal #1: Keep up with the blog. Write at least 3 posts per week
Goal #2: Lose 30 pounds by the end of the year
Goal #3: Start exercising at least twice a week, even if I have met goal #2 already
Goal #4: Be more organized


Well, I started working on goal #2 on Monday. I have lost 4 lbs already and am actually enjoying making all sorts of new healthy recipes. Recipes will be posted later.

Goal #3 will be started on Monday of next week. I was not ready to get my butt to the gym yet, especially since I was starting "The Diet" this week as well. I need to do things one thing at a time and get used to each one until I start a new one. Sooooo....on Monday, I will be starting to go to the gym.

Happy New Year everyone (even if I am 10 days late.)

Oh Saturday, how I've missed you...

I love the weekends. I love being home with the family and not having to do anything but home and family stuff. But what I love the most about the weekends are Saturdays. I don't do anything on Saturdays unless I have to. I love to just be able to sit around in my fatty pants, cuddle with my kids and relax. Today, I actually had to get up and clean the house and backyard a bit because we had a girlscout thing for about a half hour this morning around 10. But after that, we rented a movie, got into comfys and just laid down on the couch for a couple hours. Then when Rylen went off to her swimming playdate with her bestie, Jax and I went to the Target, which is something that I am not able to do during the day during the week because of daycare. He picked out a new car that makes noises and lights up when he pushes the buttons. He is in love. I couldn't get him out of the toy aisle for a good 15 minutes. But I was okay with that, because I don't usually get to enjoy a mom/son store trip, without screaming from one of us, very often. Then we came home and are now sitting on the couch again, watching some more movies and just enjoying the time together. It is rare, that it is this quiet in here. He gets me all to himself for a little while until sissy comes home. Then it will go back to them fighting over my attention, which I still, to this day, can't get enough of. :)

Love, love, LOVE Saturdays.

What it means to be a parent

Warning: Long rant ahead.......


I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 19 years old. I was one of the many girls out there that thought it was okay to be rebellious. I will admit, I thought he was pretty cool. He was 9 years older than me and he could by beer, but I knew I wouldn't ever end up with him forever, because he was a floater and let's face it, a loser. He floated through life, living from one couch to another. Mooching off of anyone who would let him. Never once having his own place to call home. But, that didn't stop me from having a little fun for awhile, though. And we did have fun. Until I found out I was pregnant. He showed me how much of a loser he really was when he told me to get rid of it and then left me, alone and pregnant. I was so scared of what was next. I was going to be a mom. Or was I? Was I going to "end" it like he wanted me to? Was I going to go through with the pregnancy and put it up for adoption for a better family to raise it? Or was I going to grow up, take responsibility for my actions and be the mother to a beautiful baby? I chose the latter. And every day, I thank God that I did. No matter how many times a day my daughter frustrates me and tests my patience, I love her with all of my heart and I KNOW, I would not change things for anything in the world. And with that being said, I just can't fathom how parents can just abandon their children. I don't know how you can sleep at night, knowing that your child is somewhere and you don't know a thing about her. Being a mom or a dad means a lot more than just making a child. It means being there when they are sick or hurt or sad or happy or just plain naughty. It means putting things on hold if your children need you to. It means tucking your children in at night or asking them how their day at school was. It means watching them take their first steps or riding their bikes for the first time or putting on a band aid when they fall off the swing set. Just because you were half of the creation of that beautiful child, doesn't give you right to be called Dad. It doesn't earn you rights to be loved by that child. A child knows who their parents are, whether they are biological or adoptive. They choose what they call you. They choose if they love you or if they consider you a loser, like you really are. If I was the one who didn't have custody or just had visitation, then I would be calling all the time to talk to me baby. I would be looking for every opportunity to know everything about my child and to be with them as often as I could.

My daughter turned 9 in May. Her bio dad didn't even call to wish her a happy birthday. She waited, but then realized that he forgot. The thing is, she is so used to him not being around, she didn't really care. But it never used to be like that. From the time that she was a baby, he wanted to be a part of her life. Or so he said. But honestly, I think it was only because he had to pay child support and he figured that if he was going to pay, then he should have the right to see her. So I thought it would be good for her to know her father. For years, I was the one calling him and trying to get him to be a part of her life. I could count on 2 hands how many times he has called saying he wants to see her. I was always the one making the effort. There was this one time, I believe she was 4, he had asked for her for the weekend. He wanted to take Rylen and his other daughter (who is a little younger than Rylen) to Sesame Street Live. He talked to her about it for weeks when I would call. She was soooo excited. So I get her ready, packed up, and I drive her over there. We get to his place and he answers the door. Before he even invites us in, he says that he will have to cancel the weekend with Rylen because he only got 3 tickets, one for him, one for his girlfriend and one for his other daughter. He said he would definately bring her back a souvenir. I have NEVER seen just a sad and disappointed little girl before. She bawled and bawled and bawled the entire car ride home. I had to try to explain to her that it wasn't that daddy didn't love her, it was just that he only had enough money to buy 3 tickets instead of 4. When in reality, he completely forgot about her and instead of leaving girlfriend at home and taking both of his kids, he chose to be the asshole that brings a 4 year old little girl to tears. I don't think that he has ever loved her. I think he only wants her to call him dad because of his pride. What man wants people to know that his own flesh and blood, doesn't consider him dad. He has gone months and months without seeing her or talking to her. He actually went a year and a half once without contacting her. I just wish that I could send him the papers to have him sign over his rights. That way he wouldn't be a part of her life and my husband, whom she knows as daddy, can adopt her. I just wish that he wouldn't have turned out to be such a loser so my daughter doesn't have to feel like it's her fault that her other father only wants to know her sister but not her. What kind of man can even call himself a man when he treats a child like that. He's missing out though. He's missing out knowing such a bright, sweet, beautiful little girl who is going to grow up so strong and brave. She is going to grow up knowing not to fall for any guys that even resembles her bio dad.

At least he did teach her one lesson in life, if they look like losers in the beginning, then they will be losers until the end.